Last night I had a dream.  I was walking into a church that had an underground section.  The walls were white marble and the floor was cream with gold flecks.  I turned left down a corridor and walkd into a separate room.  My eyes went from the floor to the other end of the room where a small couch had been placed against the wall.  I walked towards it, and after a few steps, I realized it was Granpa Walt lounging in the counch, just the way I remembered him.  He had on a white undershirt, jeans and his tan socks.  He was holding a tiny baby, wrapped in a white blanket.  The child was so small, a premie, tucked right into the crook of his right arm snuggled between his barrel chest and his elbow.  Granpa Walt smiled at me and I ran to him and gave him a hug.  Then he simply said, "you guys will all be all right, don't worry."  And that was it.  I woke up.  I knew right away what he was talking about, and who the child was.  All I can do is pray for that child and hope that everything goes well. 

shesh.  It has been an extremely stressful week.  A smashed up car.  A friend dying.  A difficult separation.  Little sleep.  Too much work.  The list goes on and on.  And now a weird dream that makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.  And its only Tuesday. 

Well, I thought I should list some good things, for my own sake  :) 
1.  Shania Twain has that really awsome song that always makes me feel awsome: "Black eyes Blue Tears".  Yeah, I listened to that song about 100000000 times, and it came on today while I was driving to work.  It was awsome.
2.   Im going down to look at a horse probably Saturday, so that should be fun.
3.   We had corn on the cob last night.  Awsome.
4.   My vacation starts on Thursday.  (That could be good or bad, dependig...)
5.   I have an awsome tan going on.  :)

So there are 5 things to remind myself that life is good.  And it really is.  Besides, it was really cool to hug my Granpa.  :)

When I was little, Nana and I used to make jam and pie and anything else we could think of.  So today, I was feeling down and kind of lost, so I went for a long walk all over this farm and looked for blackberries. I picked enough for a big pie and then got to work in the kitchen. This house used to be Nana's house, and while I  was working, I could almost see her, all four feet eleven inches of her, on the other side of the kitchen cleaning the berries, or shaping the lattice dough.  I remembered how she would leave a trail of berry juice on the counter, and how we would giggle about the dumbest things, or eat more than we cooked.  It was a great memory, but it left me missing her more than anything. 

Sometimes you just can't get over it, you know?  Everything reminds you of a good thing, but then the good thing reminds you that it isn't a part of your life any more... just a memory.  Like Nana.  And that hurst.

I had a great time today working out in Rikreall.  It will be an adventure thats for sure.  Will be learning alot, and hopefully will be contributing alot as well.  On my way out there though, I had another hiccup.  I got rearended.  My beautiful 4runner took one for the team, and now needs a good bandaid.  :(  Sorry little toyota...  hang in there and please don't get totaled!!!  (cross my fingers)

As for how I'm doing today - I could be better.  It hurts to say the least, to be so close, and yet so very far away.  It hurts to know that there is nothing I can do.  I am the kind of person that fights for change, makes a difference, solves problems... and now this.  There is nothing i can do but wait.  And I don't wait well.  I wait really badly actually. 

1.By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.
2.I will rise now, and go about the city in the streets, and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.
3.The watchmen that go about the city found me: to whom I said, Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?

-song of songs 3:1-3

You know that feeling you get when you wake up and for that split second, everything is as it was in your dreams?  For a moment, you are content, at peace, and then the world rushes in... You remember.  You realize that you woke up, and reality hits you like a brick.  No matter how hard you try to go back to sleep, you just can't get away.  Thats what happened to me this morning. 

Good things come when we least expect them... and so do bad things

Found out today that a friend of mine hung himself in a tree in his back yard.  They found his body hanging there, and cut him down.  No one knows why he did it.  No one know what pushed him to it.  It hit me like a knife.  It stabbed me, kicked me while I'm down. 

Its day one, and I'm drowning.  My heart is aching.  My lungs are under water.  My face says "Hello, how can I help you? Please come it!"  But my eyes say, "when will this be over?  When will I know?"  And my heart says, "Hang on... for the love of God, HANG ON." 

What else could go wrong?   Yeah, it sucks, but I got up this morning and took a shower and felt good.  I ran last night and kicked my own butt - tried to make the heart pain go away by making the knee pain come back.  It worked until I stopped running.  Then they both hurt like hell. 

So then I tried to sleep, but I could not.  So I pulled out my Bible, and read, and read, and read and read.  It helped, a little.  I finally fell asleep with my head plastered to Psalm 131, and I woke up in the same spot two hours later.

So where does this leave me?  At the end of day one.  But I was taught to always end on a positive note, so here it goes:  Tomorrow I'll be heading to the ranch in monmouth to work with some green horses, which should at least distract me for a little while... right?  RIGHT?? 

One down.  13 (or so) so go. 

Sometimes your heart is pulled in a few directions at once.  I never could understand how it happens, or why, but maybe to make us more flexible?  Because I can't imagine my heart ever snapping back...  So instead, I let it stretch and find peace in the little things.  In the smell of the hay in the feed loft, in the cool leather of old saddles...  And I wonder if sometimes the pain is worth it.  Well let me tell you, IT IS.  Whenever a good thing comes around, we should take it, right?  Whenever something comes around that needs a little good, we should give it, right?  So we are stretched in two directions, giving, taking and walking a thin line between heartbreak and a peace of mind that we could never find elsewhere.  Maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone.  Maybe I'm caught in the middle of one of those deep waves, like when the ocean crashed around you and you get scared for a split second and wonder if you are going to be able to come up for air... Charles Durham summed it up pretty good: "Life is like the ocean, very vast and beautiful.  But when you are caught up in it, and you discover how unimaginably powerful it is... it is then that you must swim, or perish."

Oh come on heart.  Please swim.  For the love of God, swim... please.

Late evening walks...

Yesterday evening, me and my brother, and mom and dad all went for a walk.  The sun was going down, and it was casting this gorgeous yellow glow on the wheat fields.  The bean fields were green and lush, the sun gleaming through the irrigation's mist.  Queen Anne's lace was dotting the access path, and the river was a quiet beauty...  It just so happens I had my camera.  And then I got the idea... maybe I should always have my camera with me, to capture some of these things.

The Horse Prayer



Feed me, give me water, and care for me, and when the day's
work is done, give me shelter, a clean bed and a wide stall.
Talk to me. Your voice often substitutes for the reins for me.
Be good to me and I will serve you cheerfully and love you.
Don't jerk the reins and don't raise the whip.
Don't beat or kick me when I don't understand you,
but rather give me time to understand you.
Don't consider it disobedience if I don't follow your commands.
Perhaps there is a problem with my saddle and bridle or hooves.
Check my teeth if I don't eat, maybe I have a toothache.
You know how that hurts.
Don't halter me too short and don't dock my
tail... it's my only weapon against flies and mosquitoes.
And at the end, dear master, when I am no longer any use to you,
don't let me go hungry or freeze and don't sell me.
Don't give me a master who slowly tortures me to death and lets me starve,
but rather be merciful and take care of me,
by letting me run and enjoy a warm pasture.
Let me request this of you and please don't regard it as disrespectful
if I ask it in the name of Him who was born in a stable like me.
Amen

(author unknown).

Clinic Today!

Today was a great Sunday.  I went to the Sherman Road Ranch for a horse clinic.  I only audited today, but it was still a great day.  I learned lots of new things, and got lots of tips.  It was relaxing to just be in the barn, to smell the horses, to feel close to them.  It has been a tough few days.  But nothing is better than horses.  They help you heal.  They help you let go.  They help you realize that you are loved, that you are cared about.  They are unconditional.  And all of those things are things I could really really use right about now.

Also, I'll be looking at a horse on Thursday, maybe she could be my match?  Cross your fingers!  Here is a quick video from the clinic today.  Ground work  in the round pen  :)